Beautiful Depression

The 'Silent Stalker', the 'Noonday Demon', the 'Black Cloud', what ever you want to call it...'IT' can paralyze your world and bring your soul to it's knees.

You can feel fine one moment, and falling into a dark abyss the next.

One minute your living in a world of bliss, and the next your dying in a realm of misery.

'IT' appears out of nowhere, latches onto every part of your being, and consumes your mind, body, and spirit. You don't see color anymore rather only shades of grey.

If 'IT' is as immersed in your life as 'IT' is in mine, you aren't able to hide from 'IT', 'IT' finds you no matter where you are.

If 'IT' is as transfixed with you as 'IT' seems to be with me, 'IT' will segregate you from any and everyone you ever even thought you cared about.

You are fooled into believing that 'IT's' existence has died, only to witness 'IT's' resurrection just as the wounds once last left behind begin to heal.

'IT' becomes so much a part of you that some, like me, have tried to cut 'IT' out with a blade. Slicing over and over and over again brainwashed into thinking that harming yourself will cripple the nemisis. In the end each cut of the knife only makes 'IT' stronger.

'IT' can become so much a part of you, that 'IT' can transmit to your children, and your children's children.

You don't know how to explain 'IT' so you don't tell anyone about 'IT'.  You don't know how you got 'IT' so you don't know how to get rid of 'IT'.

So instead you embrace 'IT'. Accepting the ever increasing grip 'IT' has on you. Day after Day. Month after Month. Year after Year. Treasuring the moments 'IT' loosens it's grasp, making the most of the times 'IT' allows you to breathe.

You don't have to understand depression for your life to be effected by it. Depression is an unseen enemy that could be walking hand in hand with someone you know. 

Depression may be the intruder that has taken over your own life!

(This is a post I felt necesarry to post on all of my Blogs)

The following websites provide valuable resources, support and materials for a variety of mental illnesses.

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance – DBSA
Support, educational materials, brochures, resources for family members, and much more.
Walkers In Darkness
Provides information and support for anyone dealing with mental illness.
Counselor
Largest informational database containing information on mental health news and resources.
National Alliance on Mental Illness – NAMI
Grassroots organization dedicated to improving the lives of persons living with serious mental illness.
National Institute of Mental Health – NIMH
Largest scientific organization in the world dedicated to research focused on the understanding, treatment, and prevention of mental disorders and the promotion of mental health. Free brochures and more.
National Mental Health Consumers’ Self-Help Clearinghouse
Offers news and alerts, training curricula, resources, publications, technical assistance and a consumer driver services directory

If I Let Him Lead, HE WILL (Part of the Converting Me - Road to Redemption series)

I am a very quiet person. I am not outwardly affectionate, emotionally 'available', or easily approachable. A conversation with my husband today made me realize just how true that is.

We don't have the best communication between us. Neither of us seems to be able to get what we are really feeling across to the other person. But today I actually heard him. I didn't just hear him talking, I actually heard him.

I am not making him feel like I love him. Like I want to be here. Like I want him. I think I do, but he is not feeling that.

The only way I know how to show love is by being here. I figure if I'm still here, he should know I love him. That's not okay. Instead of feeling like being here is my sacrifice that should prove my love, I need to focus on showing him that despite the trials we go through, that being here, being in his life, him being in mine, is a blessing.

I always feel like I am taking on more than my husband. But if i ask myself why, the truth is I don't let him take take on more. I don't let him take on anything because I feel like I am showing that I cant take on everything. Like it is a sign of weakness.

Instead what I am really doing is not letting a man be a man. I'm not allowing my husband to head the household.

Now, I am not saying that I believe in the idea that a wife should be seen and not heard, and the husband calls all the shots. That is SO far from what I believe.

But, I do believe a man should be treated as a MAN. The man should play a major role in the house. The man should be allowed to lead his family and head his household.

I need to love him enough to let him LEAD me, not always have to follow MY lead

Allow me to introduce myself...My name is Valerie Whitlock - Jenkins - Wheeler - Moore

I'm sure you can tell by the number of last names that I have been married a few times. 3 to be exact. (I'm currently on my third). Now, I know the judgemental people are probably wondering what is wrong with me?

I'm 30 something, with 7 kids (4 acquired through marriage). I have 2 birth children and one adult child, my oldest is technically an adult with a lot of growing up still to do.

I have lived in 5 different states (moved back to the same state twice) and now back to the same state that I ran from to begin with.

Call it running from drama, commitment, childhood issues, or whatever, one thing even a blind man can see.....I'M A RUNNER!

Surprisingly enough though, I'm actually a very strong, independent, RESPONSIBLE woman with an extreme work ethic. The key word here is...EXTREME! My strengths are also my weaknesses. I take independence to a whole new level. I refuse to ask anyone for help, allow anyone to ever think I need help, don't trust anyone to 'do it right' (because lets face it, if I don't do it...IT'S NOT RIGHT), and I always Always ALWAYS have a 'plan B'.

Since I refuse to let anyone EVER see my weaknesses, I live my life emotionally detached, extremely guarded, and disconnected from all friends and especially family.

So how did I land ANOTHER HUSBAND? I am actually the best person to ever have on your side. I painfully empathize with any one's struggles, Got your back almost to a fault, not a cheater, can't stand lying, put my family's need before my own, and try as hard as i possibly can prevent my children, my husband, or anyone I can to ever ever have to experience even a morsel the pain I have had to deal with in my life.

And my life has and still is very painful. If I had to bullet point my life it would be something like this:

• Born in 197(something)
• Watched mom's battle with cancer
• Turned six
• Watched mom lose the battle
• Learned how family court works
• Discovered not all men are 'good' guys
• Turned twelve
• Tried to find out for myself if there is a such thing a reincarnation
• Hospitalized for that 'experement' in life and death
• Diagnosed with 'Depression' and 'Emotionally Handicapped'
• Turned fourteen
• Was reminded that not all men are 'good' guys
• Turned sixteen
• Declared as an emancipated minor
• Turned eighteen
• Began my 'gypsy' journey
• Had Baby....

And it only gets more colorful from there.

So, What am I trying to accomplish? I don't know. Maybe just to share my experiences. Maybe to show others where NOT to go and what NOT to do, or maybe just to 'write it out'. But one thing I do know.....I'm tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. Its time to acknowledge the obvious!! Time to say what needs to be said . Have those 'Discussions' we have been avoiding!