Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Devil's Playground
My first 11 or so years of my life were spent in the church. The Sunday 'Morning' Services that always seemed to last until mid-afternoon, the Wednesday Night Bible Studies, the Saturday Choir practices, Usher rehearsal's, and Youth Groups, Vacation Bible School, Pioneer Girls, and the list goes on and on.
Shocking as it may be, however, I am not a religious person. Spiritual, yes. Religious, No. I don't know if it is the result of a life that I cannot see as being God's Will, or if it is because I just don't agree with the 'It's THIS way or NO way' attitude among the various religious groups. I honestly believe God does exist and there are many paths to God.
So, even though we have established that I do believe in God, I can say with a certainty that I believe in 'Faith' or that I can 'trust' 'Faith'.
That is both confusing and, I admit, disturbing. Confusing because I don't understand (or know how to have) 'Faith'. Disturbing because a soul with no 'Faith' is the Devil's Playground.
How do I believe in something, however, that I can't see, feel, etc.? How do I have confidence in that Divine Spirit is watching over me and protecting me when so much turmoil has happened (and frankly, is still happening) in my life?
I have searched most of my adult life for meaning and purpose. What is the meaning of life itself and what is my purpose in it. I have studied many many religions, many whose beliefs I agree with .Some whose beliefs I do not. All of whose core principles include having 'Faith' in a higher spirit.
I will again affirm that I believe there is a God, and I believe that the Devil does exist. After all who can look around at state of the world today and NOT believe there is a Devil. The Devil definitely has made his way past our back fence and is looking in our windows waiting for the opportunity to become a permanent resident in our homes.
I try to live morally, I don't harbor any malicious intent, I feel I'm responsible, I live within the bounds of the Law, I believe that harmful actions will result in harmful consequences, I believe we are blessed and recieve many blessings even when we are undeserving of them, and I believe that we will all have to answer to the things that we have done. But I have had to experience more than my fair share of 'Life Lessons'.
I have heard over and over throughout my life that 'God will never put on you more that you can bear' and 'That which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger'. Well I'm at my breaking point and am rapidly growing tired of being made 'stronger'. I don't want the weight of my world on my shoulders. I don't always want to be the 'strong' one. Right now I need Mercy and Grace.
I know that God and I don't really 'communicate' on a regular basis and I have had a sort of back and forth battle with God ever since I was a child, but I feel like my cries are going unheard. I feel like 'Faith' doesn't know who I am. And I have searched high and low trying to find my 'answer'.
I am 'stuck' and don't know have to break loose. I feel like I am trapped inside the Devil's Playground and no one is coming to my rescue. My 'Saviour' cant seem to find me and I cant find my way out.